I met a woman who had been married four times. I asked her if she had any plan in picking her husbands. She replied, "Yes, I first chose a banker, secondly a clown, thirdly a preacher, and lastly an undertaker." I asked her what her plan was in picking a banker, a clown, a preacher, and an undertaker. She said, "One for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."

Part of my role as preacher that I take very seriously is to help you get ready for death. Death will surely come for all of us. As I heard said recently, “Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which you can die.” If you are less than healthy, keep in mind that one day the health nuts are going to be lying in hospitals dying of nothing. I’m kidding of course, and I encourage you to live a balanced, healthy life.

We don’t do a good job of preparing for death in our society. We fall for two opposite illusions. On the one hand, we mistakenly think we are immortal and we ignore death. On the other hand, we become paralyzed and preoccupied by the fear of death. Neither approach prepares us well. Most ancient societies prepare their people for death with ancestor worship, like the Tibetans with their elaborate rituals that celebrate the anniversaries of dead relatives.

Christian teachings such as a last judgment and resurrection don’t help. The notion of judgment after death can leave you paralyzed by fear. The belief in a literal resurrection can leave you blasé about death. Neither extreme seems particularly healthy. What is a healthy way to think about death that both acknowledges the reality of death and also inspires a deeper engagement with life? When death comes, will you be ready?

When Death Comes

Make no mistake, death is as certain as taxes. There is a website called “Death Clock” where you can enter personal information like body mass index and it tells you your death day. Mine is January 3, 2056 which means that I have just 1.5 billion seconds left to live. That sounds like a lot, but now its one second less….. and counting. (http://www.deathclock.com/ )

The Buddhist story of Kisa Gautami makes the point well. Kisa lived at the time of the Buddha. When her only son fell ill and died suddenly, she was overwhelmed by grief. With her dead child in her arms, Kisa Gautami went to the Buddha and begged him to bring her baby back to life.

The Buddha agreed to bring her baby back to life – on one condition: ‘You must bring me a mustard seed from a house, but it must be a house which has seen no death.' And so Kisa Gautami began her search, still carrying with her the body of her child. She went from house to house, asking at each for a mustard seed. As the occupants would turn from their door to fetch a seed in answer to this strange request, Kisa Gautami would say to them, ‘Wait a minute. Has anyone in your family died? The mustard seed must be from a house in which there has been no death.'

Each time the response was the same: “That' s impossible. My mother died, or my aunt died.” In each house someone had died. As she went on, hearing the same answer over and over, a change came over Kisa Gautami. She no longer felt so alone and isolated in her grief. She stopped focusing on her son coming back to life and instead returned home to bury her child and grieve her loss. She later became a devoted student of the Buddha.

The realization of impermanence, often a series of mini realizations, is part of the preparation for death and also a tool for living more fully. There is enormous liberation in knowing that you are not alone in your grief.

Die Before you Die

St Paul says, “I die daily.” (1 Corinthians 15;31) In a saying attributed to Mohammed, “If you want to live, die before you die.” A Buddhist proverb says, “Die before you die, then when you die you will not die.” Jesus and Paul both use the image of a seed, and suggest that without death there can be no new growth. (John 12;24)

To realize impermanence is to accept change. As someone wise once said, “Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.” Accepting change is easier said than done. Here’s a clue- you don’t have to let go of all your attachments all at once. Just let go of some of them. Ease your grip on the story you have told yourself about the future. Here’s a simple trick to remind yourself- This comes from the Tibetan Book of Living and Dying by Sogyal Rinpoche.

Grasp a coin in your hand, fist facing down. You believe the only option is to grasp the coin tightly, or else it will drop to the ground. But lessening the attachment could be as simple as letting go of grasping and holding your palm open and facing upward with the coin exposed.  You can still hold the coin and you can live more expansively. How liberating!

There is another powerful analogy. Yoga instructors often say, “Soften your gaze.” I never really understood what they meant until I considered it in the context of change. To soften your gaze is to relax your eyes and forehead. Try it. You take in a new perspective. Animals dwell for most of the day with a soft gaze. Only when they are moving in to kill prey does their gaze sharpen, focused on one thing alone. They are well prepared for hunting by dwelling for most of the time with a soft gaze. They are well rested, but also able to take in a wide panorama and not become fixated on one perspective only. A soft gaze speaks of openness and broad perspectives.

Try it out this week. Don’t practice on the big stuff, like your attachment to retirement plans, or to your kids outliving you. Practice on smaller stuff, like how the rest of today is going to play out. Open your posture, unclench your fists, soften your gaze. Be prepared for what life has in store for you today.

Death is a Mystery

Death is such a mystery. No one knows for sure what happens at the point of death, nor after death. Near death experiences have some common features, such as white lights and panoramic views of your own life as if from outside your body, but they too are a mystery.

So many people have moving stories about the deaths of loved ones. It’s one of the privileges of my occupation to be present with families at the moment of the death of loved ones.  I’ve had some very powerful experiences, and one that always stays with me was the death of a man who had severe Alzheimers. He had deteriorated to a point beyond speaking, and showed no hint that he recognized his wife or family. His wife left the room to get something to eat, leaving me with his two sons. His breathing became irregular and we moved closer to the bed. The man suddenly opened his eyes, looked at us with a soft gaze and said, “Tell Nancy that I love her, and tell her that I am alright.” He closed his eyes and breathed his last. The autopsy revealed that his brain was almost completely destroyed by the disease. Where did his last words come from?

We don’t know for sure. Death is a mystery that teaches something profound about the mystery of life. The future is open and dynamic. Ease your grip on the future because of the mystery of life. You see that being prepared for death expands the fullness of life.

Here’s another very practical application of this spiritual truth. Are you having trouble forgiving someone, or letting go of an ancient grievance? Try this- imagine that the person is dying. I mean, dying within days. As you do this, watch your compassion rise and your grievance fall away. Now, imagine that you are the friend who is dying and watch your self compassion rise. You may even learn to love and forgive yourself with all your imperfections and insecurities.

In Life as In Death

Do you ever have moments in life when you think to yourself- I could die right now and be a very content person? Yesterday was a bit like that for me, walking the pier in Grand Haven. It was near perfect, apart from the annoying man who tried to evangelize me at the top of 5 mile hill. Wait. I’m imagining him now as a dying man. Ah, I see that he too is on a journey of self discovery!

Truman Capote told the story of childhood Christmases in Alabama with his elderly cousin. They made their own Christmas decorations to make their tree look like a Baptist window. They cut out angels from the tin foil wrappers of Hershey bars, fastening them to the tree with safety pins. They sprinkled the branches with shredded cotton. Truman remembers her standing back from their handiwork and saying-  "You know what I've always thought? I've always thought a body would have to be sick and dying before they saw the Lord. And I imagined that when he came it would be like looking at the Baptist window: pretty as colored glass with the sun pouring through, such a shine you don't know it's getting dark. And it's been a comfort: to think of that shine taking
away all the spooky feeling. But I’ll wager it never happens. I'll wager at the very end a body realizes the Lord has already shown Himself. That things as they are"—her hand circles in a gesture that gathers clouds and kites and grass—"just what they've always seen, was seeing Him. As for me, I could leave the world with today in my eyes." They both looked at the tree, and each other, and knew they could leave this world with the present day in their eyes.

Do you remember the words of Mary Oliver in her poem “When death Comes”

“When it's over, I want to say: all my life
I was a bride married to amazement.
I was a bridegroom, taking the world into my arms.
When it's over, I don't want to wonder
if I have made of my life something particular, and real.
I don't want to find myself sighing and frightened or full of argument.
I don't want to end up simply having visited this world.”

Dying with Dignity

I have learnt so much from people who have died with dignity. There was a Buddhist Nun in Australia who died of lung cancer in 1997. Her name was Inta McKimm. Two months before her death she wrote in a letter, “Although I am dying, this is the happiest time of my life. For a long time life seemed so hard, so difficult. But when really recognizing death it turned into the greatest happiness. I wouldn’t want anyone to miss out on their own death, the great happiness that comes with having recognized impermanence and death. This is quite surprising and unexpected, and extremely joyful. It is the greatest happiness of my whole life, the greatest adventure and the greatest party!”

Inta McKimm, Mary Oliver, Truman Capote, Jesus, Mohammed, Buddha and you, all experiencing the profound mystery of what it is to die before you die. To be truly prepared for death is the only way to be prepared for life. As the country singer, Tim McGrath said, “Live like you are dying”, and I want to add “Die like your life has eternal significance.”

I finish with a beautiful story that captures the unity of life and death. Unitarian Universalist minister, Victoria Safford took her baby to visit a very old neighbor who was dying. It was the neighbor’s birthday and a small group of friends were gathering around her bedside to have a piece of cake and a glass of sherry. When Victoria got up to cut the cake she laid her baby down on the bed, right up on the pillow - and there was a sudden hush in the room. Here is Victoria’s description-  
“It was a startling sight…Two people side by side…Neither one could walk, neither one could speak, not in language you could understand, both utterly dependent on the rest of us bustling around, masquerading as immortals. The were dancers on the very edge of things,…closer to the threshold, the edge of the great mystery, than any of us had been for a long time or would be for a while. Living, breathing, smiling they were, but each with one foot and who knows how much consciousness firmly planted on the other side, whatever that is, wherever that is, the starry darkness from whence we come and whither we will go, in time. Fresh from birth, nigh unto death, bright-eyed, they were bookends there, mirrors of each other. Radiant.”

Are you prepared for death? Are you ready to realize impermanence? Soften your gaze. Release your grip. Experience the profound mystery of dying before you die. How liberating!